I've noticed a trend of people declaring that they're not making new years resolutions. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not. Maybe some people are sick of lying to themselves about what they can realistically accomplish in the next year. In that sense it's a good thing.
Maybe some people just don't want to be accountable for goals because they just don't want the pressure. That's understandable too. Kind of silly if you are unsatisfied with your life in any way, but understandable. That said, did you make any resolutions for NY?
With only nine days left in the year this is a good time to reflect on 2010.
For me I'd say it was overall positive.
It was a year of actual stability, though also a time of uncertainty in several ways. I needed a year like this because for the last few my ability to adapt to this life change or that one has been tested repeatedly and I finally got a bit of break. A chance to rest.
Maybe I'm experiencing what it's like to finally exit the quarter life whatever and come to terms with myself being a proper adult instead of clinging to the last vestiges of college-era existence where I'm perpetually on the edge of adulthood.
Or maybe not. Either way, I look forward to 2011.
So there's this awesome site called "Rina and Rika's Twentysomething Experience." It's about two girls in their twenties making their own ways through life and discovering good and bad things along the way.
The site is at RinaRika
and the most recent post is something of a read, entitled A little reminder
Check it out! :)
i just wanna sleep, but i'm at work. i can't even nap if i wanted to b/c of all these fucking racing thoughts.
my car's been in the shop. it blew a head gasket and just before that, my dad had poured a grand into it. o.k., so then the head gasket blows (the day that i'm supposed to be at the airport) and we had just gotten it out of the shop the night before. whatever. so b/c the gasket had blown, there were 3 choices: fix the gasket (really expensive), buy a new motor (not as expensive but still really pricey *hello, new motor*), or just say fuck it and get a new used car for cheaper than all of that. well, dad being who he is, said no just get it fixed. he was told on more than one occasion that it would be cheaper to just get a new used car and since meena is my power of attorney, she could handle everything while i was gone on vacation and have a new car when i got back. no, he says, he'd rather just fix this one. as a matter of fact, she told him that he could get 2 new used cars for the price of the new motor including labor.
just writing about this bullshit is exhausting me. anyway, so total, the car's been in the shop for about a month. the bill, for this trip in there, was 3 grand. not to mention that he helped get my electric turned back on (long story), helped w/my rent, and got the car back up and running. so overall, he spent about 6 grand on me alone in the last 90 days. that was also around christmas time when everyone was home and we were all out doing this, that, and the other.
so now he wants to chew MY ass b/c the fucking car costs so much. *sigh* i just want to bang my fucking head against a wall. he wonders why i don't ask him for help. it's b/c of shit like this. b/c eventually, i have to hear about it. i have to listen about how much money i cost him and how i should just move home and blah, blah, blah. whatever. then he tells meena that i haven't accomplished anything since i've been here in florida.
this really pisses me off. i'm sorry that i don't have fucking sgt stripes on my arm to show off to the whole fucking town. i'm sorry that i don't have a fucking college degree and a career ahead of me. i'm sorry that i'm just some piece of shit loser child that just keeps costing you fucking money. well, when something happens to me, i'll just be cremated. just to save you some fucking time and heartache over the expense of my funeral bill since all i ever do is bring you further down in debt.
what's wrong w/just living my life?! why is there such a pressure on YOU to put a title to MY life?! what's so wrong about just wanting to be yourself? why can't i just be who i am? why can't i be happy working a mediocre job w/mediocre pay? why can't YOU be happy w/me working a mediocre job w/mediocre pay?
i've always wanted to get out of parsons and live somewhere different. exciting. new. i accomplished that. even when everyone thought that i'd have to tuck tail and come back to mommy and daddy, i didn't. i set out to make a life for myself and i did. it may not be great....i may not make lots of money.....but it's mine. i have a decent job w/great benefits. i accomplished that. i moved and made a name for myself outside of his shadow. i accomplished that.
i'm sorry that i don't have a fantastic job where i make an ungodly amount of money. i'm sorry that i don't have a husband or even a man in my life w/potential. i'm sorry that i don't have children to pass on the name. i'm sorry that i don't have a degree or serve my country. i'm sorry that i'm just this pathetic.....you know what? i can't even think about what i was going to say b/c i just spent 15 min in the rain helping a girl w/her car.
which reminds me......i may not have a nobel peace prize, or a golden globe award, or something great and magnificent to hang on my wall and point to and say, "wow, you did that?"....but i'll tell ya what i do have. i have a great family w/parents that love me no matter what kind of a fuck up i am. i have friends that would take a bullet for me, that would drop everything and come to my rescue if i needed it. i have a big heart, and usually that gets me into trouble, but the times that it doesn't get me into trouble.....people may not remember me for climbing mount everest or being in a movie, but they'll remember that i was there. i was there when i was needed, i was a rock for some people and a shoulder to others. i was a sister, a confidant, a friend, a colleague. people will remember me for my smile, my infectious laughter, and for my kindness. they will remember that i stood up for the things and the people that i believe in, instead of standing aside. they will remember that you could call me at 2am for a ride home and i was there. they'll say, "she always remembered my birthday". when the shit gets thick, i'm there. when times get tough, i'm there. whether it's something as small as picking up an extra shift for someone's family function or emergency, or whether it's something as major as a divorce or death, i. am. there. and that's something that NO ONE can take from me.
so, i may not have accomplished material things in this life. but i'm loved and i don't mean in a romantic sense. i don't need a man to feel loved and whole and complete. I love me. I complete me. I make me whole. i'm loved by those i surround myself w/, be it near or far. the people that mattered and made a difference in my life, whether for a short time or many years, can walk away saying that i was fierce, passionate, honest, and tough. i've made my mistakes and i will continue to make them, but it'll be my way and no one else's. it will be on my terms. say what you will, but when i leave this place, i will be remembered as strong, beautiful, and courageous. taking on the things in life that one would only dare to imagine. encouraging others to be just as brave, just as bold, and just as daring.
i love you dad, and say what you will, but you can't take from me what i am. you can't change who i've been. what i am today is b/c of you, so why would you want to rob me of that? face it, you can't. i may not be anything to the world, but to a lot of people i am their world, i am somebody, and i will never....ever be nobody. i will never be nothing.
i hope, for your sake, someday you can see that.
- Music:ben folds--fred jones, pt 2
....so the last post i made was a while ago. i was nearing 26 and dreading it. i've just recently turned 28 and decided that i'm ready to enter my 30s. they say you're 30s are much better and that's kinda when you come into your own. also, for women, there's that whole sexual peak thing. hehehe. ;)
i left off w/an argument i had w/my dad about getting a real job w/real money. well the last year or so has been better w/my dad than previous years. i had a huge revelation in late october of 08. things w/my father have improved drastically. i feel like he finally gets me and doesn't make snide comments like that anymore. i know that we are exactly alike and that's why we butt heads, but so far so good.
my job isn't great, but it's mine. i'm once again a night auditor for a hotel, a much better hotel, w/much better insurance that i desperately need. so it's cool. i've been at said establishment for almost 2 yrs now.
i guess maybe i'll leave off w/some advice.....no matter what's going on and whatever shitty job you're working (or not working), make yourself happy. whatever that means to you, make it happen. this isn't our parents generation. this is the generation of technology. generation of debt. generation of what do i do w/my life. so many people i know i have been to college and have degrees, only to discover that they don't even use them. so what was all that work for anyway? for show? fuck that. so i decided that college wasn't for me. big deal. i'm happy where i'm at for now, for the most part. i would still like to open my own shop someday, perhaps a massage parlor. i tried massage school for a bit and really enjoyed it, but i had to take a break for personal reasons. at the moment, i can't afford the school, so i'm looking at apprenticeships instead. hopefully that pans out. massage therapists are in high demand here and they make good money.
but like i said, above all, make yourself happy. regardless of what you're being paid to do. no longer do you have to settle for a meaningless job w/somewhat decent pay. this generation provides more opportunity than our parents ever dreamed of.
overall, just be true to yourself.
- Music:ben folds--hiroshima
I happened upon this site today while browsing some featured webdesign sites on Google. Check it out. Maybe some of you will want to contribute.Quarterlives.com
I'm 25.5 years old and even though things are in disarray I think i'll be ok. I finally realized that. Back when I was in the climax of my quarter-life crisis I wasn't able to see light at the end of the tunnel, now I can. Things will fall into place in due time. That's all I have to say. I just thought I'd add something here before I could no longer relate.
well it's been a while.....and 25 has come and almost nearly passed me. it has been a pretty spectacular year, in retrospect. however, the closer that 26 gets, my fears of becoming 30 and being in the same spot in life is just completely overwhelming. it does get better, right?
something else i wanted to touch on......see, i don't live at home anymore. and when i say home, i mean i don't even live in my hometown. last summer i picked up my life and started over somewhere utterly foreign to me. i'm pretty close to my family, so of course leaving was hard but considering the source of my birth, it wasn't hard to make the actual decision to get the fuck out. anyway, i call my folks every sunday to catch up. besides, i do get some enjoyment out of talking to my parents once a week....just means that's less time that i have to spend catching up w/everything. so i get on the phone w/my dad and he starts in w/this: when are you going to get a real job and start making real money.
you can see my predicament.
the only reason he said that is b/c i just thanked him for the check that him and mom sent me. on top of that, the only reason i had to ask for financial assistance was b/c i was out of work for 2 wks. b/c i had my fucking gall bladder taken out. they knew in the back of their head that i was going to need help, i mean hello....i had shit to take care of. so anyway, of course it wasn't a problem then, but it's a problem now. i was doing good. i wasn't asking them for money, for anything really. infact, i had been working towards paying them back. and up until i bought my new car (which i needed), i WAS paying them back. but i bought the car which needed insurance, tags, etc. so i was behind in paying my folks, which they said they understood, but clearly my dad has a different opinion.
he always does.
why does he always do this to me? he knew i was going to need help, he knew i was going to ask, he was waiting for me to ask him and mom for money to get me to the next check.....WTF?! why ya gotta me give me the guilt trip? why do you have to always make me feel worthless? he does this, man.....he makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like i'm not good enough--unlike his 2 other children....his perrrrrrrrrrrfect children. my brother and sister, who i love dearly and would die for, are the perfect children. i'm the black sheep. i always have been b/c i don't believe in conforming. i believe there's more to life than working in a factory. i believe that you CAN find a job that you like, regardless of the pay. i would rather work a job that i like w/only mediocre pay, then have a good paying job that i hate. it just makes more sense to me. whatever.
he doesn't think about the bigger picture. he says he does, but he doesn't. i took time off work b/c i was deathly fucking sick. i mean ffs, i had surgery. fucking surgery. and, And, AND....if i could've just taken vacation time to help w/that, i would have. maybe i just should've put my surgery off for the 2 wks. that it would've taken for me to have my vacay time activated. maybe that would've been better.
anyway, i guess my point is this: wtf do you do w/a hypocritical parent to get them off your ass other than telling him off and making the situation worse? i'm not a little girl anymore and i DON'T have to let him push me around and talk to me like that. but i let him do it anyway, for the sake of arguing. i don't call to pick fights w/my dad but he knows how to push my buttons. i don't like to fight w/him b/c then it upsets mom (b/c she knows what a fucking dick he can be) and then THEY fight and then somehow it's still MY fault b/c then he'll come back to me and give me a fucking guilt trip b/c they fought b/c i asked them for money.
- Location:in my room
- Mood:pissed off
- Music:watching golden girls